College Struggles (Template)

I scarfed down the bagel I snagged on my way out of the house this morning and threw my backpack in the trunk of my car. It took me 45 minutes to find parking, which means I was late to class. Fortunately, I didn’t miss much because the professor was droning on about how things were different in his day. He didn’t notice me sneak in the back of the room and slip into the seat next to the snoring student. After class let out, I trudged to the library to knock out some studying for my other classes. The school bully says I parked in his spot, spills coffee on my computer and notes. I have a group presentation in two days and a research paper due next week, all my progress is erased. I was supposed to hang out with friends tonight but that won’t happen. 

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Medieval

Sam devoureth his porridge before he doth jump into the wagon and implore his old mare to plod towards the village institute of higher learning. There doth seem to be nary a place to hitch the wagon near the castle. “God dameth it” he mutters as he jumpeth off the woeful vehicle and doth forsake it in the middle of the road. “Thou must remaineth there.” he calleth to his steed.

He doth sprint into the monastery where his daily lessons are chanted by the monks. He slideth into the seat in the back beside the spoilt prince who doth always sleep through the lessons. Sam elbowed him in the ribs. 

“Of what doth he speak?” 

“I knoweth not.” the prince replied. 

After class the prince ordereth Sam to relinquish the papers from his Medieval Devices of Torture book to sail in the moat. Sam doth need those to study but also doth need to keep his head attached to his shoulders. The prince sucketh and canst kiss my rump. 

Recipe

Successful College Student

You will need:

14 gallons of coffee

27 cups stress and deadlines 

  9 Expensive textbooks they will never use

15 pounds of weight to be added throughout the semester 

  7 days of binging Netflix

57 packets of ramen noodels

Dash of  procrastination

Add All-nighters to taste  

Instructions:

Be sure to put off making this delicacy until the last possible minute. Then be sure to remove all motivation and concentration right before the deadlines. This is a slow-bake dish, often taking half the semester to truly remove their desire to stay ahead and study. Mix coffee and all-nighters thoroughly with procrastination and stress. As this bakes be sure to add Netflix. Stress should be brought to rolling boil, then simmer. The student should be arriving later to his classes as the semester goes on. This results from the lack of parking on campus and the desire to sleep in. Add weight periodically throughout the semester and the all-nighters where necessary. 

Different P.O.V.

This lecture is the most boring thing I have ever forced myself to listen to. I can’t keep my eyes open. What is the professor even talking about? Where is that guy who always comes in late? Focus Gordy, focus. You can’t worry about other people’s problems. It’s ten after. Really, it’s only been ten minutes? It feels like time is crawling by. He’ll be here any minute. I need sleep....

I jolt awake when late dude pokes me in the ribs. 

“What’s he talking about?” 

“No idea.” I reply. 

We don’t speak again. I don’t even know his name.

Horror

Sam rushes out of his house, running from the sounds of the chainsaw. He doesn’t look back. His only thought is to get in the car and escape to the safety of his school. He trips three times and the masked man slowly gains on him. Sam finally stumbles into his car and turns the key. It won’t start. Sam tries again and again, each second that passes brings the masked man closer. In a panicked frenzy he tries one last time. The car roars to life and Sam runs over the masked man who seems unhurt. Sam finally reaches the school where he knows there will be people who can help. The professor stares at Sam when he stumbles into the classroom. 

“You should not be late, take your seat.” he scolds. 

Sam takes his seat in the back. He hears the door open and boots clumping in the hallway. The masked man enters the lecture hall and the chainsaw roars to life. 

Western

Sam rode into town as the sun was comin’ up over the valley. Thar didn’t seem to be no room at the hitchin’ post for his horse, so he left ‘em in the middle of the road. He downed his scotch at the local saloon before moseying across the street to his lecture. Can’t do an 8 am on an empty stomach. He stumbled into the lecture hall and made his way to his seat in the back. “What’s he talkin’ bout?” he asked the kid next to him. “No idea.” the kid replied. At high-noon Sam made his way to the center of town. “John, you yellow-bellied snake! Come on out of thar and fight like a man!” Their spurs clinked as they paced off, turned, and fired their pistols. Sam blew away the smoke as another desperado ate the dust. 

College for Dummies

If you missed the deadline to apply for scholarships, you are off to a great start. You will miss deadlines for the rest of your college career. You will also miss class because there is not enough parking on campus. Accept this fact. Stress will be a normal part of your daily routine, sleep will not be. Some professors are better than others. Some will actually help you, while others will rant about random things and not actually teach you anything. Studying in the library consists mostly of browsing Facebook, Instagram, and youtube simultaneously with your textbooks open in front of you. Eventually the deadlines will creep up on you and you will have to buckle down. You’ll get more done in one night than you did all semester. All-nighters are no fun. 

Game Show

Good evening and welcome to College Decisions. You will be given a series of scenarios and have to choose your reaction. 

Scenario #1: You arrive at campus and there is no parking. 

Sam: I leave my car in the closest spot and hope I don’t get a ticket. 

Scenario #2: You are late to your lecture.

Sam: I sneak in the back. He won’t care, he never talks about anything relevant to our class.

Scenario #3: You attempt to do homework in the library

Sam: I end up talking to friends and wind up getting nothing accomplished. 

Scenario #4: You have a massive assignment due at the end of the semester.

Sam: I’m gonna use “procrastinate”. I can finish it the night before.

Oh, I'm sorry. Your classmate spills coffee on your computer and notes. Everything is gone.

Sam: Well I think I'm gonna use "panic" and then "silent depression". 

Play

SCENE 1: Parking Lot

Sam enters stage left, circles for 45 min, can’t find a spot. Throws up his hands in frustration

SCENE 2: Lecture

Sam enters late but the professor doesn’t notice. 

PROFESSOR: (Indistinguishable rambling of nonsense)

SAM: [sits next to student and pokes him] Hey, what’s he talking about?

STUDENT: [jerks awake] No idea.

SCENE 3: Library

Sam tries to study but talks to friends instead. 

CLASSMATE: [Enters stage right, spills coffee on Sam's computer and notes]

SAM:  [Panics, stress is evident] Hey, why would you do that? Can't you at least apologize?

CLASSMATE: [Walks off without saying a word or looking back]

SAM: [Cleans up the mess, dejected]

Acrostic

Circled the parking lot for forty-five minutes.

Of course there’s nowhere to park.

Late to class.

Like the professor cares, he never covers anything relevant to the course. 

Every free second I have is spent in the library. 

Gordy, my classmate, spills coffee on my papers and computer. 

Everything is gone.

Fairytale

There was once a poor lad who needed to find the mythical parking spot. He circled the grounds of the castle for 45 minutes to no avail. He laid down in the dirt and began to weep. 

“Oh woe is me!” he proclaimed. 

Suddenly, an old woman appeared. The lad looked up. 

“Who are you?” he demanded.

“I am your fairy godmother.” She replied with a wave of her wand. “How can I help?”

“I will be late to my class if I cannot find a place to park.” 

“Well this land is desolate and enchanted by an evil curse. There is no place to park for a hundred miles and there never will be.” 

“Well can’t you fix that?” he asked. “Wave you magic wand or something?” 

“Oh no, it doesn’t work like that.” She replied. 

“Well what good is a fairy godmother then?” he whined. 

“Oh I really just provide counseling right now. I don’t do the magic any more except in extreme circumstances. Your situation is hopeless. Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe Cinderella is in need of my assistance.” And with that she disappeared with a poof.