A Saturday at Nunally Drug Store: Original Template

At Nunally Drug Store on Saturday, a man calls the pharmacy to ask an important question. The technician furthest away from the phone answers in a slightly flustered voice, trying her best to keep a professional tone. The gentleman, known as Doug, asks if he may fill his prescription for Xanax twelve days early and explains that it has been stolen. The technician replies that in order for a controlled substance to be filled early, the patient must acquire a new prescription from his doctor. He states that he does not have a new prescription, but he does have a police report. When the technician repeats her previous statement, the patient once again explains his situation, this time with colorful embellishments. It has something to do with a lock box in the trunk of his car, and someone stealing it at 3 o’clock in the morning.

            “The pharmacist will assist you in a moment,” she assures with a smile. The phone clicks as she promptly places him on hold.

A Saturday at Nunally Drug Store: Magical Junkie Soup Recipe

Magical Junkie Soup:

(Serves: 4 people)

Ingredients:

3 consecutive phone calls

1 angry rant to the clerk

1 desperate appeal to the pharmacist

1 scrap of a police report

½ cup of freshly brewed crocodile tears

Directions:

1. Start by brewing ½ cup of crocodile tears, and pour them into your pharmacist’s cauldron (used specifically for dark prescription magic).

2. Fry 2 consecutive phone calls for twenty minutes, and reserve the 3^rd for later begging.

3. Afterwards, toss 1 police report into the cauldron and cook at a rolling boil for ten minutes. Chop up 1 desperate appeal for more Xanax while you wait.

4. Once the police report paper has disintegrated, and the letters are fully cooked, place 1 phone call to your insurance company.

5. Once your last phone call has finished cooking, shred 1 profanity-filled rant to the high school-aged clerk in front of you and sprinkle it atop your soup.

6. Enjoy.

A Saturday at Nunally Drug Store: Our Brave Xanax Knight

Once upon a time, a brave, honest knight found himself trapped in front of a bridge by an angry troll. “You may not pass unless you give me all of your Xanax!” it screamed, stomping its enormous purple feet with a mighty thunder.

            “But I need this medication!” cried the knight, “Or else I cannot fight the dragon! I will be too nervous without it!”

            “That is not my problem!” rumbled the troll. “Give it, or you shall not pass!”

            The knight gave in to the troll’s demands, and went to the local apothecary for help. Unfortunately, the alchemist would not answer her chainmail request, so the knight charged through her chamber doors, demanding a new prescription so that he might slay the evil dragon.

            The alchemist stood at her bubbling, boiling cauldron, cackling and throwing eye of newt and fillet of a fenny snake into the midst of the poisonous fumes.

            “I can make you another batch of Xanax!” she cried, holding her wand high in the air, “But only if you give me all of your vile Mountain Dew!”

            It was then, dear children, when our brave knight awoke from his deep, drug-induced sleep, clutching to his Mountain Dew bottle for dear life. The end.

A Saturday at Nunally Drug Store: Acrostic

My prescription is the only thing keeping me alive,

Young as I am.

Do you not understand? You are so

Rude! Not allowing me to fill my

Untimely prescription…

Goodness, people, you

Should know that these pills are only for me.

Most pharmacies,

You know,

X-cluding you all,

Allow me to fill this early.

Never have I had such trouble

Acquiring another dose of

Xanax!

A Saturday at Nunally Drug Store: Haiku

Xanax is now mine

To keep for anxiety

And maybe buy meth